Let’s face it, conflict resolution is hard. But the truth is, it doesn’t have to be. Conflict is a normal part of sport. Any time a group of competitive, passionate, and invested individuals come together there is going to be conflict. Four-time Olympian Bo Hanson said it best:
“In the pressure cooker environment of sport, conflict is bound to occur and absolutely should occur. In fact, I would be more concerned about a lack of conflict in sport rather than too much. Whether you are a coach, athlete, parent, or sports professional, you need to understand the best way to recognize and manage conflict in a way that results in a positive outcome.”
– Bo Hanson, 4 x Olympian
Often we look at conflict as this intimidating thing we want to avoid. But avoiding it does not make it go away. Let’s start by reframing the way we look at conflict. There are many positive outcomes that conflict can bring to a sports community. It allows for different perspectives to be considered, initiates conversations, and has the potential to strengthen relationships and team culture. Whether you’re a coach, teammate, team captain, sports administrator, official or guardian, navigating conflict effectively is key.
Keep reading to learn more about how to identify conflict, what triggers it, five steps to follow when dealing with conflict, communication tips, and an activity to do with your team to set some “conflict commitments”.
What is Conflict?
First, we must understand the difference between conflict and other scenarios. At Dare to Care we have developed an easy-to-use tool to help recognize and differentiate situations.
Mean Moments: Everyone, and I mean everyone, has said or done something before they wish they could take back. Mean moments are typically rooted in emotions such as frustration, insecurity, disappointment, or exhaustion. Once we are able to settle these emotions we often feel remorse about the situation, apologize, and move forward.
Conflict: As outlined in the “Is It Bullying?” resource, the most important difference between conflict and the other two situations is that conflict is two-sided. It is a back and forth situation with multiple parties equally involved. We are going to talk a lot more about conflict throughout the blog so keep reading.
Bullying: Unlike the other two categories, bullying is NEVER okay and is NOT normal. Bullying is when an individual or group is targeted with intentional, harmful and repetitive behaviour. In true bullying situations there is an imbalance of power between the bully and their targets who often feel helpless and unable to defend themselves. Dare to Care is Canada’s leading bullying prevention resource. We work with sport organizations across the country to #TackleBullying in sport. Take a stand against bullying by booking a Dare to Care workshop today.
What Causes Conflict?
When dealing with conflict, something I like to keep in mind is that everyone involved is passionate about the team/sport. If someone wasn’t invested in the outcome, they wouldn’t care enough to argue. Consider this the next time you have a disagreement with a teammate, butt-heads with another coach about tactics or programming, or sit down with an athlete’s parent to discuss play-time. Conflict takes place between people who care.
That being said, recognizing that certain situations are more likely to spark conflict helps us navigate them more effectively. Ask yourself, what are the common triggers of conflict on your team or at your sports organization? Take this one step further and consider things from a personal perspective: What causes you to feel frustrated, upset or disconnected?
Here are some common causes for conflict in sport:
Poor Communication & Misunderstandings: As one of the most common reasons for conflict, how can you strengthen communication on your team? Think about this from all perspectives: Athletes, coaches, guardians, board members.
Breaking Team Expectations: A team/club cannot operate without a strong Code of Conduct and team expectations. If someone always shows up late, misses practice, or never helps with equipment clean-up, of course it will cause tension. These are opportunities to call someone in. Don’t ignore, address these behaviours early.
Heat of the Moment: As mentioned earlier, sport is an emotionally-charged environment. There is passion, competitiveness, excitement, disappointment, nerves, and many other strong emotions at play. Always take what someone says in the heat of the moment with a grain of salt. That being said, this is never an excuse to be mean or unkind. If you say or do something that crosses that line, always apologize.
Sport/Coach Decisions: Any coach reading this has probably dealt with conflict sparked by one of the following things: Team selections, play-time, referee/judge decisions, or discipline issues. (I bet all the coaches reading this are nodding along right now!) These are tricky situations to deal with. Going back to the first point, communication will be key to navigating these situations effectively. Always work to approach them with empathy, transparency, and fairness.
5 Steps for Effective Conflict Resolution
Now that we have a clear picture of what true conflict is and some common causes, let’s focus on how to handle it. Follow these five steps to handle conflict like a pro:
Take 24 Hours – In the heat of the moment, when emotions are running high, is not a good time for conflict resolution. For example, immediately after a disappointing loss is not the time to hash-out an athlete's attendance issues or sit down and review play-time. Give the situation 24 hours so that everyone can sit with their emotions, take space to think, and reset.
Set-up a Time to Talk – After 24 hours, if you still want to address the situation, reach out to the other person and set-up a time to talk. Make sure you schedule a time with an environment that is safe, controlled, and most importantly, FACE-TO-FACE! If after 24-hours you decide not to address a situation, let it go.
Have a Conversation – Now that you are ready to have that conversation, set the stage by letting the other person know that you respect them and value the relationship you have with them. Depending on the situation, you may also want to acknowledge their feelings right off the bat. DO NOT start the conversation with “you were wrong for reasons X, Y and Z”. Ya, you guessed it, that conversation is about to explode. Make sure both parties are given the opportunity to share their perspectives and feel heard. Listening, although it is something every day, is actually a really difficult skill to do effectively. Here are some important Do’s and Don'ts for being a good listener and communicator:
Brainstorm Solutions – After everyone has had the opportunity to share their perspectives and ask questions, it’s time to come-together and be solution-focused. Here are some great solution-focused questions to ask and be asked:
Do you feel like I have heard and understand your perspective?
Is there anything else you need to share or say?
What is your ideal outcome to resolve this situation?
What do you need from me in-order to move forward?
Create an Action Plan – Now that all perspectives have been shared and solutions have been discussed, let’s make a plan. You do not want to keep having the same conversation or conflict week after week, month after month, season after season. I like to break this step down into 3 parts:
Ownership – What behaviours do you need to reflect on?
Apologies – Never underestimate the power of a meaningful and genuine apology. Don’t let your pride or ego get in the way of moving forward.
Commitments – What can each party do to resolve this conflict and avoid it from happening again? In conflict situations, it is never one-sided; everyone can learn something.
Conclusion & Group Activity
See, navigating conflict isn’t so scary! Remember, conflict is normal and is going to happen. Rather than avoiding it, let’s look at it as an opportunity to come together.
Coaches, I encourage you to have a meeting with your athletes to discuss how you want to handle conflict on your team. Talk about what conflict is, normalize it as a part of sport, share experiences (both good and bad) when you dealt with conflict in sport, and establish some team commitments for how to handle conflict when it happens. This is a great opportunity for personal reflection, team bonding, and to teach valuable life skills. I did this activity with the U14 girls team I coached last season. Here is what we came up with as our “Conflict Resolution Commitments”:
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